It’s All About Believing

“In order for good things to come your way, you need to believe you deserve them.”

Life is tough. Every day is a constant battle between fight or flight. I always ask myself, “Kakayanin ko ba ‘to?” But the thing is, alam ko namang kaya ko. It’s not my capabilities that I’m worried about. I’m more worried about getting worried. I’m scared of what might happen if I get nervous. Because when I do, I become such a mess. My hands shake terribly and my heart beats more rapidly. I get butterflies in my stomach, and sometimes, I just want to leave. But at the same time, I know that I’ll only regret it if I quit. So even if it’s the hardest thing to do, I keep on fighting anyway.

How I wish that I didn’t care at all. How I wish that I can live a life free of fear and anxiety. The sad part is, my mind knows that fear is not real. It is only something made up. But even though I already know that, I still feel the fear. It’s like my mind is telling me one thing but my heart refuses to listen to it. I guess there really is a difference between knowing and feeling. If only I knew how to stop worrying and how to stop caring, I would.

Yesterday, hours before an exam I needed to take, I became so nervous. I was scared. And I know that grades don’t really matter, but I can’t not care. I can’t because I know that what I do now can affect my future. I do these things for my future, because I don’t want to end up disappointing myself. As I was getting ready while simultaneously asking God for guidance, something kept on repeating inside my head, and I didn’t even know why.

“In order for good things to come your way, you need to believe you deserve them.”

I read that on Michelle Dy’s Facebook profile the night before, and it just kept on repeating inside my head. And then it hit me. I needed to believe that I deserve good things. “I worked hard for it, so I deserve it,” I kept on telling myself. But it does make sense. Kung pinaghirapan mo ang isang bagay, talagang deserve mo to get something good out of it. “And this time, I won’t let fear get in the way anymore.” Because just like what Penny from Girl Online said, “Sometimes, you have to face up to your fears to realize that they aren’t actually real.”

All this time, I was trying to find a way on how to stop worrying and how to stop caring. But now, I realized that it was not about not caring, it was about believing. It’s about believing that you are capable. It’s about believing that you deserve it because you worked hard for it. It’s about believing that fear is not actually real. It’s about believing that the Lord is always there guiding you. And most importantly, it’s about believing that you can, and you will.

Kayang-kaya mo ‘to.

xo, moira ❤

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