Around this time last year, I was still a college freshman. I remember feeling so unmotivated to do anything school related because I just got back from semestral break. I just wanted to stay home and not do plates for I knew how tiresome they were going to be. A few weeks into the second semester, my high school best friends and I decided to visit the annual school fair of our high school. I was so excited to come because one, it would be a good break from all the stress in school and two, I would be seeing familiar faces and friends that I haven’t hanged out with in a while. As we got to the school fair, I felt so happy. I legitimately felt like I was in high school again, and everything just felt so familiar that it was like I was travelling back to the past and I didn’t want to come back to the present. But sadly, the fair only lasted for two days and it was suddenly back to college reality for me.
As I was about to sleep at night, I couldn’t help but think of how fun and amazing the weekend was. It was so perfect that I didn’t want it to end. It made me realize that I miss high school. I miss how it was so simple back then. I miss that everything was routine. I miss having a stable group of friends. I miss seeing my schoolmates. I miss everything about it so much that it made my cry a lot that night. I think that was the first time that I actually cried because I couldn’t keep all my emotions inside anymore, and I just wanted to let them all out of my system. (side note: I am not the type of person who is very much in touch with her feelings. So to cry because I was feeling sad is a big deal for me!)
From that point on, there wasn’t a single day in my life that I didn’t wish to go back to high school. College became too depressing and frustrating for me, and I couldn’t help but think that if it were high school, life would be a lot easier. I would have less worries and I would probably have a lot more self-confidence inside of me, compared to what I’m experiencing now. I missed my old life so much. But whether I liked it or not, life went on. I continued my life as a college student and to be honest, it hasn’t been a smooth and swift sailing ride. It was tough. It still is. And even if what I just really wanted was to go back in high school, I couldn’t. It was impossible. High school was and will never be in my life again.
Fast forward to today, I am already a college sophomore. Last weekend, it was time for the annual school fair of my high school again, and I was so excited to finally come back! However, as I got there, the place didn’t feel familiar to me anymore. I barely knew anyone and I felt out of place. I honestly felt so old and I didn’t feel like a high school student again. I just felt like a college student inside a high school campus. I wanted to leave because the place didn’t have that same “vibe” anymore.
I then realized that I am no longer the same person from last year anymore. I am not the same person who wanted nothing but to go back to high school. I am not the same person who wished to go back to the simpler days. I am not the same person anymore because in the span of that one year, I grew.
I grew to know that high school was not for me anymore. That part of my life is over. And although I still miss it every day, I have come to accept the fact that I will never experience it again. I can’t let myself be boxed in in the world of high school when there is a larger world for me to conquer out there. And no, it won’t be easy. Like they say, life doesn’t get easier, but we just get better. Remember, life makes you better and lets you grow to be the best version of yourself and the person you were meant to be.
If you’re still in high school, I hope you treasure every moment so that when you graduate, you’ll have no regrets.
And if you’re still struggling to move on from your past life, just give it time. Give yourself a chance to grow. One day, you will just wake up and realize that you are not the same person anymore. You are already a better version of yourself.
never growing up.
xo, moira ❤