Get ready for something lengthy by the end of this post…
By the way, it says “ICONIC” on my top! 🙂 (not just “CONIC” haha!)
Top and Shades from Penshoppe, Skirt from Cotton On, Shoes from Hue Manila
So here it goes…
Growing up, I NEVER experienced anything too deep or emotional or heartbreaking or whatever. Actually, I had a pretty happy and awesome childhood. My parents almost never complained about my spoiled brat wishes, my friends were always around when I needed some people to talk to, and my fair share of academic and extra-curricular achievements were enough to make me feel good and confident about myself. I was basically living like a princess! Everything was close to perfect, and I never worried about a single thing. Plus side story: I also felt indifferent about a lot of topics, which is why my friends always teased me about being an NR (no reaction) person or sometimes even someone with no heart! haha! And don’t worry, I was not offended because that was our way of joking with things. 🙂
And you know what, I have always thought that life is just an uphill battle. I thought that it just gets better, not worse. I thought that the climb to success would be relatively easy for me, because people from my left and right tell me that I’m going to be a great architect someday, or that I’m going to pass my college classes in flying colors. Because that’s who I am, right? I’m the girl who makes everything seem so effortless, whose life is almost picture perfect to be true. But to tell you the truth, I don’t think that’s what I am anymore.
I have no idea why, but ever since I started college, I also started to become more in touch with my ~feelings~. Like when I was a kid, material things were legitimately the only reason why I cried at night. But now, it seems like everything just makes me wanna cry! haha! The stress, the pressure, the anxiety, and other things that I just can’t keep up with. And I always end up disappointed because I did not expect this of myself for I never used to be this way. I was used to being the extraordinary girl who can handle and achieve anything she ever put her focus into. But now, I can’t even handle the thought of taking an exam or socializing with new people.
I guess life really has changed for me. Well, it’s inevitable, right? And the sad part is that it has changed but it wasn’t for the better… well, at least not yet, I hope.
But right this moment, all I know is that I’m sad, and I’ve never been this sad in my entire life. I’m terrified. I’m scared. I’m confused. I’m lost?
I just want everything to be good and fine again. I want to stop doubting myself and gain my self-confidence (and self-love) back.
Well, all I can tell myself now is that maybe life just wants me to be lost and broken down to my core, so that I can find myself again.
Maybe life is just storing up all my wins for now for that someday that I have been dreaming and praying of.
I’m sorry for sharing this short sad story. And I’m also sorry if it was vague, because even I can’t get a clear grasp of what I am going through and why I am going through them. I know there’s already too much depression on the internet, but I just needed to let these all out.
I hope I’ll feel a whole lot better in my next post, and if you read until here, then I thank you very much. 🙂
xo, moira ❤